Act I, Day I
(Niles is cutting shapes out of paper with scissors. He goes over near the chimney.)
Niles : Hello?
(No answer. Niles moves back and forth looking for the spot.)
Niles : Hello?
Voice: Hel-lo.
Niles : Do you need help? Are you stuck in the chimney?
Voice: Hel-lo.
Niles (suavely): Well, hello. I thought I had imagined you.
Voice: She was a waitress before that.
Niles : Where are you? Are you undead?
Voice: I just want to talk and talk. I feel like I've been walled up. It must be horrifying for you.
Niles : If you're undead I guess I should apologize.
Voice: Are you listening?
Niles (louder): Sure. I don't know if you're real.
Voice: What kind of girl are you looking for?
Niles (offended): Hey, look, you know?
Voice: I really want to try things.
Niles : What kind of things?
Voice: No, not really.
Niles : Oh.
Voice: I kept thinking this can't go on. Can't, can't, can't.
Niles : Well, you're here, I'm here. It's not so bad.
Voice: Just because something is supposed to happen doesn't mean it will happen.
Niles : What's your name, anyways.
Voice: Imperiled Fawn.
Niles : Is it French?
Voice: How many times do we have to go through this? You and your little fences.
Niles : Sorry. I guess it's because we hardly know each other.
Voice: I'm probably closer to you than anyone.
Niles (brightening): Well, it's good to talk to someone. We don't have to get married or anything, but...
Voice: I'm from a town in Missouri . You've probably never heard of it. What do you do all day?
Niles : I'm an artist.
Voice: I guess that's more believable for you.
Niles : I have these feelings, and…
Voice: Thanks anyway. See you later.
Niles : Wait, stick around. Imperiled Fawn? Hello?
(Enter Giles, who stands at the door.)
Niles (staying in his spot): Giles! There's a voice in my chimney named Imperiled Fawn.
Giles (yawning): Even to imply through some deft bit of innuendo and modifiers that I can listen to this vivisection of your fantasies will place such a strain on our relationship as I can't even tell you. Don't cry Argentina at my funeral, Cabeza de Vaca.
[Exit Giles.]
Niles : Giles? Hello? Imperiled Fawn?
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